Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
