You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
