I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
