just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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