I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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