so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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