Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
