Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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