Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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