Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
