Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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