FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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