my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
