hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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