The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
