bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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