Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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