I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
