and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
