Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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