just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
