i think my tv is drunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
