He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
