I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
