Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
