i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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