Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I need help removing her.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
