I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
