No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
