I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize