I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
