hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
