I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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