Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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