I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
