You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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