So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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