My cat gives me a boner
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My life is pants optional.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
