Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
