last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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