I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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