So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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