I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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