how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize