I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
