ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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