I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just invented taco cereal.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
