I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Damn victory sex feels great
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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