She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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