He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize