Im at strip club and am horny
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
