You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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