Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
