he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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