I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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