When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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