please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
