His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
