i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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