I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
